What Do I Want?

I struggle a lot with what I want. It shouldn’t be that hard. What do I want?
Whenever something is too hard for me, or there are too many variables to focus on, I make lists. Most of the time the lists serve no purpose other than to try to trap the thoughts that are flying around in my head.

It feels like my thoughts are racing around the Autobahn. Speeding around in my head, some crash into each other and leave a fiery wreck behind them. Some hit something and just keep on going, never slowing down. There are easier to interpret one’s, large trucks or buses, they’re the ones full of “You can’t do this. You will not be able to figure this out. You are not smart enough to do this. Admit failure. Just quit.” I can pick those thoughts out first. They are the loudest and easiest to see. Right now I have a really hard time seeing those little, quiet Prius’ full of hope and creativity, but I’m sure they are mixed in there somewhere too.
When I make lists, I can control the traffic a little bit. I can pick through the buses full of doubt and the trucks loud with fear.

I’ve been struggling with this list for about 8 days now. What do I want? Maybe that’s too broad. Maybe I’m too afraid to define goals. If I don’t set goals, I will never fail at reaching them.
Come back to me on this one.

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