I just listened to this Podcast called; The Hilarious World Of Depression I wouldn’t say it’s my favorite one or anything because sometimes listening to these types of things make me feel worse. Hearing other people say “I would be at the mall and I’d think about going to the top floor and jumping off…” would make me think “Yeah. Same.” But I like to not take this stuff too seriously, I think it helps me keep it in check. I need to be able to laugh and joke about it or it eats me up.
This particular episode was about how this girl, gave her intrusive thoughts a name; Steve. Giving them a name helped create this other persona, different from her, and made it easier to distance herself from them. I’ve been struggling LIKE CRAZY lately with intrusive thoughts and have been taking my anti-anxiety medication almost every single night just to be able to get some sleep. I’d wake up to turn over and then BAM! All the thoughts come rushing in like a tidal wave and I’d just be sitting there, wide awake, crying as quietly as possible to not wake up my sleeping boyfriend next to me. So I’m giving it a try. Megan is her name. I’m sorry to any Megan reading this. I have yet to met a decent Megan in my life, and I feel like it’s a good bitchy, mean girl name. Megan is a C-U-Next-Tuesday of a person. She is the bad friend in the group who pushes you to do things you don’t want to do and embarrasses you in front of everyone.
Am I basing Megan off of mean girls of my past? YEP. Megan is the one who responds to your statement of “Ugh, I’m hot…” with “No you’re not.” Thanks, Megan. I was just talking about the temperature but now I guess I have a whole new set of anxieties around my appearance.
So Megan has been keeping me up at night for the past week, filling my head with worry about my upcoming trip “home” to see my family. I don’t like calling it home anymore because it’s not really my home. It’s where my family is located and I don’t visit very often.
I used to think that if I thought of the worst case scenario and let it play out and think through every detail. If I really examined every aspect of what would happen if I somehow lost control of my body and shat my pants in front of my boyfriend’s entire family or if I jumped off the roof of the very nice, very high rise bar we were at. What would happen? What would their reactions be? What would my body look like? Would they feel bad or more shocked? Would they be unable to react simply out of fear and shock that I reacted that way? I could keep going of course. These are not the exact thoughts that have been keeping me up at night lately, but I don’t want to write those down. I don’t want to see them written out in text form.
So, I’m just going to tell Megan that she always does this. This is SO her. She always goes to the worst case and always makes me think I’m going to do something wrong and embarrassing. But that’s Megan. That’s not me. In reality I was funny and nice when I met his family and even cracked a few Dad Jokes which went over pretty well. I’d love for these thoughts to just stop all together of course. I’d love for Megan to just beat it. I now realize letting that jerk ass play out all these terrible scenarios is not how I get rid of them. I’m going to try telling Megan to F-off and not her thoughts become mine. Hopefully this wont give me a multiple personality disorder. Great! A new thing to worry about. SHUT UP, MEGAN!